


The Boy Who Was Afraid To Be

by AceOnIce



Series: Autistic Alec AU [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Autistic Alec Lightwood, First Dates, M/M, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22471795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce
Summary: Magnus and Alec have their first date.Title is based off Nikita Gill's poem "The Girl Who Was Afraid To Be" and it fit so well and her writing is so pretty and I 100% recommend looking up the poem.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Autistic Alec AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1625467
Comments: 16
Kudos: 310
Collections: Autistic Alec Lightwood





	The Boy Who Was Afraid To Be

Alec has spent twenty minutes talking about the intricacies of weaponry, particularly the history of the bow, when he realizes Magnus probably doesn't care.

Magnus has been polite the entire evening even though they had to have their date at Alec's house because he was worried a different environment in conjunction with a first date would be too much. He'd been polite even though Alec had flapped his hands a little too noticeably when Magnus first arrived, despite his best attempts to express his happiness 'normally'. He was smiling politely now, even though Alec had just spent the entire dinner info-dumping.

He realizes all too suddenly that has been a terrible date.

Alec puts down his hands from where he'd been gesturing excitedly as he talked. He places them on the table. "Sorry."

"For what?"

Alec stares at his empty plate. He wants to look at Magnus because he's still just as beautiful as the day they met. But he can't meet the other man's eyes. He doesn't want to see the rejection. He knows it's coming. He doesn't want to see it when it happens.

"I didn't mean- I should have- I wanted to-" Alec cuts himself off, frustrated by his own ability to articulate. He picks at a grove in the table. A grove made from picking at the wooden surface over the years.

"Take your time darling. I want to understand why you feel the need to apologize, but if you can't, let me just say that you have nothing to be sorry for."

Alec looks up. Magnus looks earnest, but most people don't look like they're lying when they are. He swallows, wonders if it isn't obvious. "I've been a bad date."

Magnus' eyebrows crease. "Why would you think that?"

Alec can't sit still, scratching harder at the groove until the wood starts to chip off. He knows he's ruining the furniture, but he's never been especially fond of it anyways. "I was talking too much about things you don't care about. I didn't ask about you."

"Oh. Well, if it makes any difference, I enjoy listening to you talk. Even if I don't understand everything you're saying."

"You do? Why?"

"The same reason I read Shakespeare and Tolstoy. Understanding the passion and feeling behind something can matter more than understanding the particulars of the thing itself. Your eyes light up and you have this adorable smile when you talk about weapons and I quite enjoy seeing you that way."

It's a novel concept for Alec- that someone might tolerate his ramblings. That someone might actually enjoy them. His whole life people have been telling him not to talk so much about irrelevant things, trying to teach him to have normal conversations. He's more confused than ever.

"Alexander, are you alright? I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable."

Alec shakes his head and tries to find the words. "I'm confused. I know I'm different- I'm sure you've noticed. People don't like that. Why would you be any different?"

Magnus makes a little noise. Alec studies his face, wishing he could read it like a book. Everyone else seems to be so good at doing that. Alec just wants to know how Magnus really feels. "I'm sorry that you've had negative experiences, but I want to prove to you that I am different. You see the way I dress. People have always told me to dress more normal, act less flamboyant. We're different from each other, but we're both different from what people expect, wouldn't you agree?" When Alec nods Magnus continues, "Do you dislike me because of how I dress?"

"No, of course not."

Alec thinks Magnus would be beautiful wearing anything, but especially in his extravagant clothes. He knows how to put his best features on display. 

Magnus smiles at him. "It's the same for me. I like you _because_ you're not like other people. You're honest. And kind. You're not afraid to show your emotions. And, of course, you're absolutely stunning."

"But... I don't choose those things, Magnus. I'm on the autism spectrum. And, even if you think it's cute now, it won't be when I can't go to parties or clubs or fancy restaurants or when I have a meltdown or a shutdown. It won't be cute when I forget to ask how your day was because I have a new special interest that I can't stop fixating on or when I get unreasonably upset about a small change in my routine. I'm a lot to handle, I know that."

"Darling, I'm not without my own flaws. All I'm asking is that you give me a chance to show you that I like you, give me a chance to be different from the people in your past. Don't write this off because you think I can't handle it."

Alec hesitates. He still isn't sure. Why prolong something that will only end in his own heartbreak? But Magnus is pretty. And kind. He likes Magnus enough to want to try, enough to let him break his heart. So he nods. He tries again, "How was your day?"

"Quite boring. I usually enjoy my job, but I was impatient all day. I've been very much looking forward to tonight." Alec wonders how everything Magnus says makes his insides feel like they're melting. He also doesn't know how to respond. But Magnus doesn't make him. "How was your day?"

"Stressful," Alec admits. "I don't date very much. I was nervous."

Magnus frowns at that. Alec wants to make it go away, but he doesn't know how. He doesn't know what he's done to cause it. "I'm sorry you were stressed."

"It was worth it though. Spending time with you- it's worth the disruption of my routines and a bit of anxiety."

"I'm relieved you feel that way... Can I hold your hand?"

Alec's not a big fan of touch, but he doesn't want to disappoint Magnus. He holds out his hand. Magnus takes it and squeezes and it's good. It feels comfortable. Alec squeezes back and hopes Magnus will stick around for a while.

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all wanted a continuation so here it is. This took me too long to write lol. Give me ideas for more Autistic!Alec stories?


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